It's Saturday and most of the day yesterday I thought it was Saturday. Don't ask me why I completely skipped over Friday in my mind. Lately my mind is a very scary place to be. Garrison and Misty came up to see us and visit with the puppies. It's always nice to see them and have the whole family together. Things have been strained between me and Christian the last few days because he doesn't want to talk about the accident and any of the insurance problems it is creating. Oh well. You mess up and you've got to have a few conversations you won't like. That is just living in a grown up world and I don't think he's liking it much.
I think I have moments and even days like this picture. Where all the bull is coming at you so fast you have that deer in headlights look most of the time. I've officially lost 11 pounds on Diet Center and I get to have my gray roots covered up. That was the goal for the first 10 pounds. I need to come up with goals for the rest of it. It's bright and the sun is out today so it looks like it will be a wonderful day. I wanted to ride my bike the other day for my exercise and the tires are flat. I just shake my head in disbelief that I can't own anything that doesn't get broken or ruined without my knowledge. This morning I went to check my email on my lap top and it was gone. Taryn took it to use in her room without permission. This happens too often and no matter how many times I tell them not to mess with my stuff they still do. Is this a Bill Cosby moment? Maybe it will stop when I'm an empty nester. Will I ever have an empty nest? My nest is as huge as the top roof of a mall. I think my kids will never leave. I once heard you're not good at being a parent until you're unemployed. Hmmmmmmmmm Maybe then you have time to re think things and do it better in your mind. Shoulda woulda coulda. I've learned to be happy now. Not to change things in my head or be unsatisfied with myself. A large part of that is my dogs believe it or not. I seem to fail on a regular basis with my kids and how they react to me but my dogs love me and follow me around everywhere. It makes me feel like a good mother. THEY make me feel like a good person. If only we could truly Be the person our dogs believe we are.
My mother told me last night when I called her that she has made out a will and gotten her affairs in order. I know she's worried about it all because of dad being so unprepared to die. I listen to her plans and wonder about my own life. How long do I have here and what will happen to my family when I'm gone? I've started writing down user names and passwords to things and account numbers for stuff just in case. It's a strange feeling when a parent dies and you see how it all unravels and how a few simple things can help a family in a time when everything feels fuzzy and surreal. I'm usually pretty prepared for stuff but I wouldn't be for death. Mom said she wasn't afraid of death. I'm not either. I feel a lot more at peace now that I have my temple recommend back. I went the last week of July and it was wonderful. Like going home. I might be going with my mom next Saturday. That will be the first time in over 10 years that we've gone together.
I wish I could have gone here with my dad. He wanted to and so did I. I had to get some things worked out and I did. I feel kind of maudlin today and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the weather and the season changing. Maybe it's my $178 water bill or my puppies that leave in 13 days. There is always something to worry about and something to miss.
~Adele~
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