Holidays

Yesterday I was thinking about the holidays and just started to cry. I miss my dad so much sometimes it's just hard to get excited about Holidays. I only got one Christmas with him before he passed away and it wasn't enough. I still feel angry and want to yell at someone but there isn't anyone to yell at. Mom moved in with Anna and Jeanette. Garrison & Jeanette hate each other so we won't be going to Anna's house for any holidays. I just shake my head at the whole mess and wonder what dad would say to everyone. First he'd clobber Garrison and tell him to let it go and that Jeanette won't ever change so say a prayer for her and don't let the garbage into your life.

He was good at making everyone get along. Smoothing things over. I'm good at that too and I'm usually the peacemaker in the crowd. I tried to tell Anna that Garrison is young and hasn't developed those personality traits yet that make it possible to forgive someone immediately. And Jeanette never apologized for yelling at him and making him feel bad. She won't either. She's never wrong about anything and I just take a deep breath and wonder what it must be like in a world where you're always right. I'll never know THAT feeling.

So holidays are just me, Craig and the kids and mom will stay with Anna and Jeanette. It sucks. I want to go to my dad's and have him cook dinner. He loved to cook. Watch him open his silly presents and wear the bows on his sweater. I want to see him all dressed up with a Santa hat on passing out the gifts. Hear him tell everyone to shut up and sit down. *giggles* He got away with stuff like that because he was this big teddy bear. No one took it seriously and after we had dinner he'd usually fall asleep in his chair watching football.

I remember the last time I saw him. I hugged him good bye and I wish now I'd never let go. We were at their house for dinner after Mother's Day. We were supposed to have Father's day at my house last year and he died the week before.

Sigh. Holidays.

When will it ever get easier?

~Adele~