Songs

Do you ever wish you could stop thinking about something that is on your mind to much? When I listen to certain music I think of places in my life and it reminds me of the past. I'm listening to a song right now that takes me back to Big Bear Lake California. My ex husband Jamie used to love to go there with the kids on the weekends and we'd all pile into our car and drive up there and throw rocks in the lake and fly kites and have picnics. He was a different person when we would do that. We could get away from the pressure of our lives and just be who we were. I honestly thought we were as happy as a little family could get. I can still go there in my mind. See the sun sparkle off the water and feel the chill of the air through my coat. I used to watch Jamie with the kids and think life just didn't get better than that. It's hard to describe how happy I felt. Christian would love to look for lizards and Garrison would be exploring all over the place. Taryn was playing catch with her dad and he would be amazed at how good she was at catching a ball. She was very talented at sports but was too shy to play on teams.

When I go back to Big Bear I think of Jamie in a whole different light. It's been so many years now that I don't know him anymore. I know who he used to be but I don't know him at all anymore. People change so much in the space of a year. I know I do. I don't know if the things I loved about him even exist anymore. Maybe they never did. I see him in my kids. I look at my children and he's there. I don't always think about it but it's hard not to see it in my children when they are so much like him. Lately I've been feeling like my job in raising them is done. They don't listen to me anymore and maybe that started a while ago anyway. When I try and assert my "mom" advice it's just tolerated mildly and they walk away when it's not what they want to hear. I feel like I had this really great job and I got fired. I can't really even complain about it because I knew the job was only good for a while.

There are times when I remember getting out of Relief Society and having Garrison and Taryn come in and get me to go home. Christian would have his latest picture he drew in Primary trying to show me what he drew and I'd gather all my little chicks around me and go out to the car. Jamie and I were good parents. We'd go home and make dinner and it was total comfort. How did it all get so messed up? I know that I know the answer to that question but sometimes I wonder why it just couldn't have been okay somehow. In a perfect world. Life isn't better now, it's just different. There are so many roads to choose, so many choices to make. There were nights I would wake up and watch him sleep. I'd be scared of losing him and afraid he'd die in a car accident or be taken away from me somehow. How can you love someone that much and lose the life you valued like that? Was I that totally deceived? It's as if you take the next step, you do what comes next and feel almost powerless to it. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a life that isn't working when you don't want to leave. When you find every excuse you can to stay and finally realize it's not up to you anymore.

Still. I have memories of a life I treasured and sometimes the music plays and it comes back to me in those songs. 18 years of memories. I'm not sorry for any of them. It's a very important part of my life.

Adele