I watched a movie called White Oleander recently. Not only was it a gripping story about a mother and a daughter who both were struggling to understand themselves and grow but it's set in Los Angeles the very same year I lived there with Ray. The opening line was telling as well. The daughter narrates it and says she felt safe with her mother and her mother was so dangerous. I felt that too. Ray was so dangerous and that was the last time in my life I truly felt "safe" was when I was with him. I felt like nothing could ever harm me and in feeling that I didn't realize the greatest danger of all was him. He hurt me more than anything he could ever protect me from. But ignorance is bliss. You are so caught up in the current that keeps you enveloped you don't realize the danger of drowning. It's fun and it feels exhilarating while it's going on and then all of a sudden you're in this free fall that terrifies you. I can identify with this story in this movie on so many levels. My relationship with Jamie was like that too. We lived in Hemet and Moreno Valley where Oleander bushes were everywhere. So beautiful and so poisonous. He was beautiful and toxic too. So was Ray. California is the oleander flowers to me. It poisoned me through the people I desperately tried to love. Amazing.
My daughter asked me why I was so into this movie. In some ways it's my story too.
Adele
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